Features
Heard at the club: How Dr. Adikaram punished himself for being late
It was election time several years ago, and two candidates were vying for the Galle seat. A fellow club member took a thousand rupee bet with another that one candidate whom he named would win. The two
But a few days later, when he heard from several people that the other candidate was the sure winner, my friend got cold feet. So, as a form of “insurance”, he stealthily took a bet with someone else that the candidate he had named the first time was going to lose. Once again it was a thousand rupees. He was now assured that his money was safe, for he would be losing and winning!
The results of the Galle seat were announced in the early hours of the morning, and that evening my friend walked jauntily into the club and collected his winnings from the senior member. As he was handed the money, all those who were present gathered around him, clapping him on the back, congratulating him and demanding drinks. He could not but oblige and at the end of the evening he was down almost three hundred rupees!
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And talking of insurance, there was an undertaker friend of mine who began a monthly installment plan whereby one could pay in advance for one’s funeral, and his slogan was “Pay Now — Go Later.” And he always concluded his letters with “Eventually Yours.”
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This is another club story. A flyover was being constructed from one end of a city to the other. This had been going on for a number of years. A notice displayed there stated that it would be completed in December. The year was not given.
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Another day a fellow member told us this story.
It was told by the late T. B. Tennakoon of “kavi-kola” fame, who in his then capacity of Minister of Social Services was the Chief Guest at the AGM of a trade union.
In the course of his speech, Minister Tennakoon said that it was not only people of the calibre of F. R. Senanayake, Sir D. B. Jayatillake, D. S. Senanayake, W. A. de Silva, etc., who defied the British colonial masters, but many unsung heroes among the small men-in-the-street too, men who defied the ruler most viciously and vociferously.
“One of these men was a thug who frequented the Kandy market in the early 1940s, when World War Two was raging and internal security in the country was very strict,” said T. B. Tennakoon. “This thug opposed every form of authority and never missed a chance of cocking a snook at the law. He was almost always drunk, and he would stand opposite the market and vituperate against the suddha and the Sudda government.
One day, carrying on in this vein to an enthralled and delighted audience, he shouted: Mama mulu sudu adhirajjayama aragena amuday gahalai innay!
This was the ultimate insult, for it meant that he had used the entire British Empire as his span-cloth.At this a policeman rushed up to the chap and took him into custody.
“He was produced in Courts,” said Minister T. B. Tennakoon,” and the learned Magistrate asked him what he meant when he said that he was using the entire British Empire as his amuday.
“Surely, you know it can’t be done?” said the Magistrate.
Oh no, hamuduruwane, puluvan, puluvan! (It can be done.) said the, man, and displayed his amuday.
It was a Union Jack, the British flag!
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Three white men were on safari in cannibal infested African jungle. They had with them several Africans who acted as their bearers, carrying their baggage, equipment, tents, ammunition, etc. One evening they heard the throbbing of distant drums — obviously sending a message, via the famous “bush-telegraph!
“What are the drums saying, Sambo?” asked one of the white men from the bearer.
“Drums tell the next village: “Boys, your dinner is on the way!”
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Wife and husband had gone on a boating trip, and a storm came on. As the storm gathered intensity, and the boat was in imminent danger of capsizing.
The panic-stricken husband dropped to his knees and began to pray. “O ye Gods who control man’s destiny, hear my prayer. Save us from a watery grave, and I shall offer alms Lo a thousand monks. I shall offer a life-size gold statue of every one of you in the Heavenly pantheon. I shall give lands and houses to the temples; I shall give lakhs and lakhs of money all of which will be spent to glorify you …”
At this point. his bewildered wife said: “What on earth are you saying? We are very poor people. How.: do, you think you are going to do all these things, you are promising?”
“Will you shut up and not spoil the show?” gritted her husband. ‘How the hell do the Gods know we are poor?”
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And there’s this other story about the newly-wed couple in a boat!”
They’d been married just a couple of weeks, and the bridegroom thought he would give his young and innocent wife a thrill. So, he took her out in a motorboat. In mid-ocean the outboard motor stalled. And to add to their terror, a storm came up. As the fury of the storm increased, the frightened bridegroom sank to his knees and began to pray. “Dear Lord,” he prayed to save us and I shall give up drinking. Save us, Lord, and I shall give up smoking. I shall give up gambling. I shall give up swearing. I shall give up…”
“Hold it, darling, hold it!” said his nervous bride. “Don’t go too far. I think I see another boat!”
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One day a physician delivered a talk on Alcoholism, painting a frightening picture of the terrible effects on the human system. He concluded his lecture by saying “Alcohol is poison, absolute poison!”
A few days later, he was seen coming out of a liquor outlet, carrying two bottles of arrack. And causally meeting one who was at his talk that day, he said” Poison, I say, absolute poison. But what to do?”
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When Dr. E. W. Adikaram was the Principal, Ananda Sastralaya, Kotte, he found that one of the teachers on his staff was in the habit of punishing students in his class who came late to school by keeping them standing outside the classroom for a period equivalent to the time they were late.
One day, when this particular teacher was himself late, Dr. Adikaram had asked the teacher to observe the same punishment he meted out to his students. And one day, when Dr. Adikaram himself came late, he too punished himself by standing outside his office.
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One day a Scotsman had walked into a chemist’s shop and asked the chemist’s assistant for five shillings worth of poison to kill himself.
The startled salesman ran to the chemist, told him about the suicidal Scotsman and asked what he was to do.
“Simple,” said the chemist. “Tell him the Poison will cost him TWENTY-FIVE shillings
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A son asked his father who a “traitor” was, and the latter replied: “Son, a traitor is a man who leaves your party and joins another.”
Then the boy asked: “Then father, who is a patriot?” And the father said: “Son, a patriot is one who crosses over from another party to yours.
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There was this scapegrace son of a rich mudalali in Matara. The fellow was attending a school in Colombo, and his tough, no-nonsense father had warned him that he would be severely dealt with if he failed the GCE A/L exam. Of course, as all his teachers and fellow students (and he himself), expected, he failed the exam, and sent this telegram to his sister: “Failed exam. Prepare father.”
And his sister promptly replied: “Father Prepared. Prepare Yourself.”