Heard at the club

This happened several years ago. The Chinese Ambassador at the time during a visit to Galle decided to go to the Tea Research Institute situated a few miles from the town, and when he arrived there, the project manager took him and his party around.

The manager mentioned that they were working on a project to get rid of a new pest that was attacking the roots of the tea bush. He sent one of his men fora specimen of the affected roots that were in the lab, and when it was brought, crawling with the pests, he placed the root on a rock and was about to explain to the Ambassador how the pests set about their fell work, when one of the Ambassador’s aides, springing forward, crushed the root, pests and all, with the heel of his shoe.

Speaking in impeccable Sinhala, the Chinese aide told the astonished Project Manager, “Chairman Mao says: “Destroy the enemy at sight!” (Satura Dutu Thena Vinasa Kalayuthi!)

***

There was this news item several years ago that a very exclusive men’s club abroad had decided to admit women, reminds me of the strictly men-only club we had here in the South.

‘One day a member walked in to find several women present.

Indignantly he asked the manager about this sacrilege, and was told that the committee had decided to allow members to bring their wives. “I am a bachelor,” said the member. “Can I bring my girl-friend?”

The manager thought for a moment, and replied, “I suppose so– provided she is the wife of a member”.

***

One day a club member related this story of an astrologer who foretold the death of a woman whom a King passionately loved. He believed that the prediction of the astrologer was the cause of it. So, he sent for the man, intending to put him to death, and when he appeared before him, the king asked the astrologer what his (astrologer’s) fate would be?

Suspecting the evil intentions of the King astrologer said that he would die three days before His Majesty died. The King then got cold feet and looked after the man with great care and concern for the rest of the astrologer’s days.

***

A senior Lawyer and the Judge were copped for speeding, and both cases came up in the Judge’s own court.

The senior lawyer’s case was called first, and on the lawyer pleading guilty, the Judge fined him five pounds sterling.

Then the Judge’s case came up, and requesting the senior lawyer to sit on the bench, the Judge walked into the dock.

“Are you guilty or not guilty of speeding?” the lawyer asked, and the Judge replied, “Guilty”.

The lawyer said: “There’s far too much of this kind of thing going on. This is the second case of speeding in this court today. Some kind of deterrent punishment is called for, I fine you TEN pounds!”

***

In colloquial Sinhala, the question oppu pirisidu means “is the title to the land perfect? Once a motor mechanic wanted to sell a piece of land he had, but the hitch was that the title was a trifle shaky. He sought out a land-broker and told the man the truth, “If you can somehow palm this land off on some fool, I’ll give you a very generous commission,” said the mechanic.

Searching assiduously, the broker found a likely mug, and when the man asked Oppu pirisiduda? the broker laughed and said that the owner of the land being a mechanic, with a mechanic’s greasy hands, the “oppu” was a little “apirisidu”.

The prospective buyer roared with laughter at the broker’s wit, and the deal was struck.

When the man discovered too late that he had been played for a sucker, he routed out the broker and abused him in the strongest possible language for deceiving him.

“I didn’t deceive you,” protested the broker with a look of injured innocence. “I told you the oppu wasn’t pirisidu.

***

Sometimes one gets the sort of witness who can outwit even the cleverest Judge.”

Questioning such a witness, the Judge asked, “Are you married?”

“Yes, m’lord,” replied the witness.

“To whom are you married?” asked the Judge.

“To a woman,” replied the witness.

“Oh, really?” asked the Judge angrily. And can you tell me a single person who is married to a MAN?”

“Yes, m’lord, I can.” replied the witness guilelessly.

“Who?” asked the Judge.

“My wife!” replied the witness.

***

One day G.V.S. de Silva, the MP for Habaraduwa was returning from a party Youth League meeting, and he complained that he had been severely criticised by the Youth Leaguers. “All because I allotted teaching posts to both the UNP and the SLFP in proportion to the votes their candidates had received. at the polls.”

“That’s only right, no man?” It was indeed right, but right is not right in today’s politics.

***

In a village which was within a Municipality lived a famous poet, and to mark his seventy-fifth birthday, the Municipal Council resolved to erect his statue opposite Municipal. Market. The motion was passed unanimously, and work was immediately begun. When the news reached the poet, the pedestal of the statue had been built.

“Stop work on the project at once”, wrote the old poet to the Mayor of the Municipal Council. “Don’t put up the statue. Send me the money, as I am leading a desperate hand-to-mouth existence. So as not to disappoint my fellow citizens living in the Municipal area, I am prepared to stand a few hours on the pedestal every day”.

***

Then there is the “Talawa Station Master’s Technique.” During the colonial times, when the North Central Province was practically all jungle, the station master of Talawa found a leopard roaming on the station platform one night. And, he took immediate action and sent the following telegram: “General Manager of Railways, Colombo. Dangerous wild tiger on platform (stop). Wire instructions immediately – SM, Talawa.”

***

Like many very busy businessmen, “Haras” had very little time for his wife, and returning home unexpectedly one day, he saw his wife in a compromising position on a couch, with his manager.

He pretended not to see the unedifying spectacle, but he was inwardly filled with rage and humiliation at his wife’s infidelity, and his manager’s treachery.

He could not very well divorce his wife, for that would mean washing dirty linen in public, and he could not sack his manager, for the blackguard knew all his business secrets, including the many ways he was defrauding the Income Tax Department.

So “Haras” Mudalali solved the problem in the manner many of our national problems are solved.

He sold the couch.

***

One day a veteran member who was a historian, gave us copies of a write up titled “Riots 1915” by the Trade Union leader, the freedom fighter and later a Cabinet Minister A. E. Goonesinghe. Fighter and later a Cabinet Minister A. E. Goonesinghe. It is excerpted below. “There were many stooges of the Colonial Government who carried tales against certain Sinhala leaders. It was a golden opportunity for these men to feather their nests on the sufferings of hundreds of people.

***

Sir Christoffel Obeyesekera, then Member of the Legislative Council representing the Sinhala people, and grandfather of the redoubtable Mr. S. W. R. D. Bandaranaike said in the Legislative council, speaking of the riots, that the rioting was due to the fact that Nobodies were trying to be Somebodies!”

“So, Sir Christoffel had become a Somebody, and he did not want any others to become Anybody! At that time there were no elections. Members were nominated to the Legislative Council on a communal basis.

This kind of condemnation by our own people contributed in no small measure to the contempt with which the Sinhala people were treated when atrocious crimes were committed against the nation by a panic-stricken Government. in the name of law and order.”

In the year 1956, it was nobodies and somebodies becoming everybodies.

***

Referring to his arrest the freedom fighter Goonesinghe stated “On the 20th of June, 1915, at about 4 a.m. in the morning, four Punjabis, four constables, two Englishmen, and Inspector V. T. Dickman knocked at my door and howled, “Open in the name of the King!” I was arrested and taken to the Welikada Jail. I was surprised to see a large number of prominent men brought in. There were sixty of us. They included Sir D. B. Jayatilaka, F. R. Senanayake, D. S. Senanayake, Edward Pedris, D. C. Senanayake, Dr. C. A. Hewavitarne,

Proctor John de Silva, Muhandiram D. P. A. Wijewardene, the famous Battaramulle Priest, E. A. P. Wijeratne, A. W. P. Jayatilaka and many others….”

Goonesinghe further said: “A week after my arrest, I was taken to the Maradana Police Station, before the Commissioner who was making preliminary inquiries under Martial Law. Inspector General of Police Herbert Dowbiggin was there with Altendorff, his Deputy. Dowbiggin opened the proceedings with the statement that I lived in Wellawatte, and riots took place there. That was all that he said after all this show of Police and Military grandeur.

I was asked if I had anything to say. I said I wanted to question I.G.P. Dowbiggin. I asked him, “You have your Headquarters at Maradana and you spend long hours there?” and he answered “Yes.” Then I followed up with, “Serious riots took place’ at Maradana?” and to that too he said “Yes.”

“That is all,” I told the Commissioner.