An exhortation to young children

By Justice Chandradasa Nanayakkara

Sri Lanka has been undergoing a demographic transition with a steadily increasing ageing population, which is projected to peak by year 2041. Among South Asian Countries, Sri Lanka has a relatively large proportion of elderly population.

Ageing population is a global phenomenon. It is said that in a few decades, nearly a fourth of the people in Sri Lanka will be over 60 years.

Side by side, with the increasing elderly population, life expectancy of Sri Lankan people has also increased. As a result, today, an average woman in Sri Lanka lives up to 77 years while an average man lives up to 78 years.

Sri Lanka’s old age dependency ratio, which has progressively been increasing in the past several decades, is also expected to double over the next few years.

Moreover, Sri Lanka’s ageing population is among the oldest in the non-developed world and also one of the fastest ageing countries in the world. The impact of the above demographic changes would be enormous and multifaceted and it has had a serious impact on almost all aspects of life.

Along with the growing number of elderly citizens in the country, abuse and neglect of elderly parents has become a widespread issue in our society. As the Sri Lankan population ages, the nation will have to take a hard look at its impact.

As there would be the unseen surge in abuse and neglect of vulnerable elderly parents, behind closed doors, due to rising unemployment and other economic stresses linked to the outbreak of the pandemic.

It is saddening to note that nowadays, feeble and ageing parents are being abandoned and neglected by their adult children. Abandoning and neglecting ageing parents can be seen as a problem that is likely to worsen as the Sri Lankan society experiences an ageing population. As a result, there is bound to be more elderly parents who will be dependent on their adult children as caregivers.

Asian cultures have traditionally assigned the role of caregiver of ageing parents to their adult children. Traditional Sri Lankan families, too, by and large, expect the adult children to live with and provide for elderly and ageing parents later on in life. No doubt, sometimes providing care for adult parents can place a lot of strain on a caregiving child in terms of balancing it with work and other family responsibilities. In such instances it may be appropriate for a professional caregiver to be employed on a regular basis, particularly when the parents are undergoing complex medical conditions and physical disabilities.

In the past most adult children lived with their ageing parents, where this was not possible. They lived in the same neighbourhood, or in close proximity to elderly parents so that they could feasibly support the ageing parents emotionally, as well as physically. This was a cultural phenomenon that shaped the social norms and values surrounding the ageing process.

Traditionally, ageing parents were taken care of at home by their adult children, and elderly care in the home was the norm in the past. This was an expected part of life that was passed down from generation to generation. There was an unspoken moral obligation to make sure that ageing parents are safe and secure and that at least their basic needs are met. It was considered a tenet of filial piety. There was undying devotion for the family in the past and the family unit was strong.

Providing care for ageing parents was so deeply rooted and ingrained in our culture that it was not confined to one’s ageing parents but extended beyond family members. For this purpose, even close friends and neighbours were considered part of the family. Adult children, with their life partner took care of their parents out of the goodness of their heart, not because they felt obligated to do so. Unlike in the western societies, abdication of responsibility for caregiving was considered culturally unacceptable.

But it is a matter of immense regret and grief that with the western influence, urbanisation and fragmentation of the family unit, more and more adult children are becoming insensitive to this moral obligation and are evading it. Even the adult children who are capable of caring for and looking after their feeble and ageing parents, leave them in elders’ homes and run away from their moral obligation. Many elderly parents suffer violence, neglect, isolation on a daily basis at the hands of their children. A large number of elderly parents live alone. While some who live alone have taken a conscious decision to do so, many others do this due to lack of any other option. They have been isolated, neglected, forced out of their own homes that they built at their own expense, and housed in elders’ homes, because they are victims of fast eroding social values. Traditional Sri Lankan society cared and respected old age and the wisdom, abilities and confidence that came with it.

It is saddening to note that some adult children migrate for economic reasons and personal advancement leaving parents who suffer from grave illnesses, such as dementia, arthritis, diabetes, strokes and more serious disease, like cancer and other degenerative conditions. No doubt, migration may offer certain positive gains for migrant children but the potential negative implications on the physical and mental health of the elderly parents, and other dependents left behind would be substantial and outweigh the gains in the long run. The emotional impact on elderly parents in seeing their adult children moving away from them would be tremendous, and it is bound to have detrimental effects on their general wellbeing. Whatever the extenuating circumstances or personal aspirations, it is the responsibility of the migrant children to make adequate provisions for their parents before leaving them. They should not perceive aging parents as a liability or nuisance and rip away their self-esteem, by subjecting them to suffering, during what is left of their twilight years.

In most cultures, some care for elderly parents by their children is generally expected based on either morality or legal instruments.

Ageing parents usually undergo pangs of loneliness and boredom and need companionship. There is always a tendency for aging parents to develop a pessimistic approach to life, which can be avoided if adult children provide them with abundant love, care and empathy. They expect their children to sit with them and talk to them about their life in a calm and cordial manner, in their twilight years. Ageing parent’s loss of vitality can also be mitigated to a great extent in this manner.

Parents consider children a great comfort in their old age. Therefore, we must treat our old parents with loving care. It should be remembered that parents gave every moment of their happiness for our comfort and joy. They have cared for us since we were infants. We cannot fathom the sacrifices they made for us. We should not despise or reject them and we should not look at them as a burden but speak to them humbly and graciously. It is regrettable that today children forget that the foundation of their life was laid by their parents.

Our parents showed us the world and in return we should not show them elders’ homes. We will only realise their value when they are gone. No superior can equal our parents, not even any deities. They can be compared to God in human form. Their unconditional love cannot be found anywhere else in the universe. They inculcate moral values in us. When our parents are old and cannot take care of themselves it is our duty to pay back their love and efforts by serving them in every possible way, even at the cost of personal sacrifice.

Adult children should realise that ageing is a continuous and irreversible process. Everyone undergoes this phase of life at his own time and pace. It must be understood that any person’s mobility and dexterity declines as he ages.

We should bear in mind that life is a circle and one day roles will be reversed, ageing parents need us now, but the day will come when we will need our children, when we grow old. Infancy and old age have been referred to as the most delicate periods of life. It is the time people need loving care and affection the most. They become physically and emotionally weak during these phases. Therefore it is of paramount importance that we take care of our frail and ageing parents at this stage.